She's awake, finally, and when I got up to her, I kissed her over and over again and she eventually had to remind me that I should probably explain what happened to all you people who might be otherwise confused.
She woke up, put that post together on her laptop in a confused daze, tried to get out of bed and fell. I was in the kitchen getting some food and when I heard the thump, I ran upstairs, picked her up in a bridal carry and started kissing her.
Now you know the situation. Back to kissing her.
Reach out.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
An Evening Visitor/Alekhine's Gun, Part 6
So, hmmm, yeah, I'm kinda totally fucking pissed off at the moment. We had a visitor a few minutes ago. Eulogy decided to show up with a crony.
I'll be honest, I'd been sort of dreading this meeting, even if I'd been hoping for it too. I...I'll just post the conversation.
Thage and I are sitting down in the sitting room, drinking tea, when we hear a knock at the door.
Eulogy: Thaaage! Open up, oh friend of mine!
Thage: -she gets up to open the door-
Me: - I push her down and go out to the hall, grab the revolver I had stashed in the hall locker and stuff it into my pocket, then open the door to find Eulogy standing there with another "Revenant" called Hammer backing him-
Eulogy: -he looks taken aback for a moment but them smiles widely at me- Ah, Reach. Delightful to see you, old buddy. How's the memory?
Me: It's fine, Father Knight, how about yours?
Eulogy: -he chuckles- Oh, Reach, it amuses me to no end that you think your memory gain was some grand revelation. Please, call me Eulogy.
Me: Sure thing, Father Knight. Was there anything in particular you came here about?
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches- I came here to speak to Thage. Would you kindly let me pass?
Me: Fuck off, Frank Fontaine. She's busy. Do you want to leave a message?
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches again- Tell Thage that if she doesn't come to the door right now, my associate will be forced to get violent.
Me: -I laugh at his threat- I'm not threatened by Hammer. My memories may have been faked but I figure my memories of training are still based on factual information. I'm pretty sure I can outfight him.
Eulogy: -he glares at me- Be that as it may, Reach, the more important question is whether or not you can outgun him.
Hammer -he pulls out a revolver-
Me: -I do the same-
Eulogy: Oh my, it seems we have a stand-off.
Me: Back off Hammer. Today's not a fighting day. Let's all walk away with our bodies and minds relatively intact. We can fight another day. Not here. It's too public and, frankly, it's kinda dickish to have a shoot-out in someone's doorway.
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches twice- Now, now, Reach, no need to use vulgarity.
Me: -I make a potentially stupid decision and smile- Fuck that, Father Fucking Fuckface, there is every fucking need to fucking use fucking vulgarity. Why the shit shouldn't I fucking use fucking vulgarity? You shitcockcuntfucking arsebandit donkeybuggerer.
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches repeatedly and his face goes read- DON'T FUCKING CURSE AT ME, BOY!
Me: -I stifle exactly one chuckle before exploding with laughter, as does Hammer, who is bent over laughing when I pistol whip his wrist, grab his revolver as he drops it and put it in my pocket then aim my own revolver at Eulogy- Leave quietly and I won't shoot.
Eulogy: -Eulogy's eye twitches again but then his face splits into a huge grin- Why so reluctant to shoot, Reach? After all, we're at you're mercy. You could get rid of us so easily.
Me: I don't want to shoot you because it's not your faults that you're having your mind messed with by Slender Man. I want to help you.
Eulogy: You want to help me? Hardly. You're just afraid to shoot me because you're afraid of what will happen. You're afraid that your great revelation is just another lie and that if you shoot me and my healing factor kicks in, you'll have to start all over again.
Me: -I put the gun right up to his head- You think I won't? You think that if you don't move your fat ass right this fucking minute that I won't put a hole in your head?
Eulogy: -he smiles smugly at me- Those are my general thoughts, yes.
Me: Don't push me, Eulogy. Leave.
Eulogy: -he bows mockingly- As you wish, young master. The feeling of having got inside your head is plenty for me. Before I go though, let me just make something clear to you. This is going to end with one of us riddled with bullets and it isn't going to be me. -he turns and leaves with Hammer in tow-
Me: -I watch as they walk away and close the door once they're gone off the street, then return to the sitting room-
Thage: -she gives me a pointed look - What was he doing here?
Me: He wanted to talk to you about something. I told him you were busy. He had a gunman called Hammer with him, so I was guessing the only question he wanted to ask was something along the lines of "Are you prepared to meet your maker?"
Thage: Sounds like he wasn't very amused by what I did to Mr. Marsh.
Me: Probably not, no.
Thage: By the way, you have no idea how hard it is to give someone a lobotomy with an epeé.
Me: I don't really want to think about that to be honest.
Thage: -she shrugs- It's the most humane way to disable someone on the Black King's side of the board.
Me: No, the most humane way is to get them psychiatric help. Lobotomising them is the easiest way.
Thage: What do you think will happen to them in the asylum? Either a prefrontal, frontal, or transorbital lobotomy.
Me: Bullshit. You've been reading too many books of Victorian history, Thage. You know that Bedlam is at the forefront of humane psychological treatment these days, don't you?
Thage: -she looks up from her journal- The point is, these people are often too far gone. You? You're the exception that proves the rule. Even Cheska's starting to slip, you can see it as clearly as I can. At least this way, with some psychiatric help in re-learning the basics, Mr. Marsh has a chance at a genuine life again.
Me: Yeah, Cheska's starting to slip in the middle of nowhere, with no psychological treatment. Do you want to lobotomise Ava?
Thage: Want to, no. If she falls as far down the rabbit hole as Mr. Marsh did, there aren't many other options outside of killing her.
Me: Oh, of course, we wouldn't want her to be a burden to the health service or anything, we wouldn't want them to have to go through the effort of taking care of a mentally ill person. Much better to cut out a chunk of their brain or kill them!
Thage: It's more a matter that there's nothing the health service could do for them. Would you prefer she's paraded out in front of sixth-graders strapped to a gurney for the rest of her life? A way to scare them straight off of hallucinogens? It's like what you once told me in regards to the government not being able to handle the Black King, Ray.
Me: You're either living in a different century or your own little fucking world, either way, you are not living in reality if you think those are the only options that a mentally ill person has. You know, I thought the lobotomy was an extreme move but I didn't want to get into conflict with someone I consider my friend but if this is the bullshit you're going to be spouting around my mentally ill girlfriend, well, I'd be better off in a fucking Scientologist compound!
Thage: It's like I said. The government can't handle the Black King, and along that same vein, short of corrective brain surgery, lobotomies included, there's nothing medical and psychological science can do for the people he's corrupted.
Me: Of course there is! It's not like he's casting magic spells of "Greater Paranoia" on them, he's driving them up the wall and anyone who has been driven up a wall can be driven back down it. Or maybe I should just go shoot Ava right now, then catch a plane across the Atlantic and put a bullet between my mother's eyes? Does that sound like a good way to help the cause to you?
Thage: Spraying someone's brains out over a wall isn't quite the same as giving them a second chance without that corruption lingering in the back of their mind.
Me: A second chance with diminished mental capacity and no guarantee that he won't just make them loopy all over again. You act like I'm uninformed about the mental damage that Slender Man causes, when you know full well that whichever set of my memories is true, I'm more than fully aware.
Thage: Done right, the damage to someone's mental capacity isn't as severe as detractors paint it out to be. They might seem a tad serene, yes, but only a poorly-executed procedure results in the drooling idiots you see brought up.
Me: I'm not a moron, Thage, but the fact of the matter is that the only reason lobotomies are used is because they are faster, cheaper, easier and less time-consuming than giving long-term psychiatric care. If a lobotomy is medically necessary, by all means, cut a chunk of someone's brain out, but in most cases, and certainly in the case of you cutting a piece of someone's brain out with sports equipment, it wasn't a matter of necessity, it was a matter of convenience. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take my revolver and the one I just took from the assassin sent to kill you up to my room with me, just in case you decide to try to give her a corpus callosotomy with a bullet. -I turn to storm off in a rage-
Thage: -she runs after me and grabs my arm- Listen. Feel free to disagree, and if you feel so strongly, I won't do it to Ava. But for people who have been under his control as long as Mr. Marsh, it's not a matter of convenience, it's a matter of "better safe than sorry". Another note, -she smiles wryly- the epeé is a weapon if it's not approved for competition.
Me: Damn right you won't do it to Ava. And last time I checked "better safe than sorry" is a matter of convenience. Now, let me go fume for a while until I start to look back at this all from a less emotional perspective and then demonise my own role until I feel like a dickhead, even though I'm the one promoting basic human rights while you want to cut people's brains up "just in case". Good fucking night, Thage.
Thage: Feel free to demonize me. I never walked on the board to be a hero in shining armor. -she turns around and walks back to the sitting room-
Me: Whatever. -I continue storming off, already feeling like a dickhead-
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have shouted or cursed at her but at this stage, I don't give a fuck. She's in the wrong and she can wallow there for all I care.
Reach fucking out.
I'll be honest, I'd been sort of dreading this meeting, even if I'd been hoping for it too. I...I'll just post the conversation.
Thage and I are sitting down in the sitting room, drinking tea, when we hear a knock at the door.
Eulogy: Thaaage! Open up, oh friend of mine!
Thage: -she gets up to open the door-
Me: - I push her down and go out to the hall, grab the revolver I had stashed in the hall locker and stuff it into my pocket, then open the door to find Eulogy standing there with another "Revenant" called Hammer backing him-
Eulogy: -he looks taken aback for a moment but them smiles widely at me- Ah, Reach. Delightful to see you, old buddy. How's the memory?
Me: It's fine, Father Knight, how about yours?
Eulogy: -he chuckles- Oh, Reach, it amuses me to no end that you think your memory gain was some grand revelation. Please, call me Eulogy.
Me: Sure thing, Father Knight. Was there anything in particular you came here about?
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches- I came here to speak to Thage. Would you kindly let me pass?
Me: Fuck off, Frank Fontaine. She's busy. Do you want to leave a message?
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches again- Tell Thage that if she doesn't come to the door right now, my associate will be forced to get violent.
Me: -I laugh at his threat- I'm not threatened by Hammer. My memories may have been faked but I figure my memories of training are still based on factual information. I'm pretty sure I can outfight him.
Eulogy: -he glares at me- Be that as it may, Reach, the more important question is whether or not you can outgun him.
Hammer -he pulls out a revolver-
Me: -I do the same-
Eulogy: Oh my, it seems we have a stand-off.
Me: Back off Hammer. Today's not a fighting day. Let's all walk away with our bodies and minds relatively intact. We can fight another day. Not here. It's too public and, frankly, it's kinda dickish to have a shoot-out in someone's doorway.
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches twice- Now, now, Reach, no need to use vulgarity.
Me: -I make a potentially stupid decision and smile- Fuck that, Father Fucking Fuckface, there is every fucking need to fucking use fucking vulgarity. Why the shit shouldn't I fucking use fucking vulgarity? You shitcockcuntfucking arsebandit donkeybuggerer.
Eulogy: -his right eye twitches repeatedly and his face goes read- DON'T FUCKING CURSE AT ME, BOY!
Me: -I stifle exactly one chuckle before exploding with laughter, as does Hammer, who is bent over laughing when I pistol whip his wrist, grab his revolver as he drops it and put it in my pocket then aim my own revolver at Eulogy- Leave quietly and I won't shoot.
Eulogy: -Eulogy's eye twitches again but then his face splits into a huge grin- Why so reluctant to shoot, Reach? After all, we're at you're mercy. You could get rid of us so easily.
Me: I don't want to shoot you because it's not your faults that you're having your mind messed with by Slender Man. I want to help you.
Eulogy: You want to help me? Hardly. You're just afraid to shoot me because you're afraid of what will happen. You're afraid that your great revelation is just another lie and that if you shoot me and my healing factor kicks in, you'll have to start all over again.
Me: -I put the gun right up to his head- You think I won't? You think that if you don't move your fat ass right this fucking minute that I won't put a hole in your head?
Eulogy: -he smiles smugly at me- Those are my general thoughts, yes.
Me: Don't push me, Eulogy. Leave.
Eulogy: -he bows mockingly- As you wish, young master. The feeling of having got inside your head is plenty for me. Before I go though, let me just make something clear to you. This is going to end with one of us riddled with bullets and it isn't going to be me. -he turns and leaves with Hammer in tow-
Me: -I watch as they walk away and close the door once they're gone off the street, then return to the sitting room-
Thage: -she gives me a pointed look - What was he doing here?
Me: He wanted to talk to you about something. I told him you were busy. He had a gunman called Hammer with him, so I was guessing the only question he wanted to ask was something along the lines of "Are you prepared to meet your maker?"
Thage: Sounds like he wasn't very amused by what I did to Mr. Marsh.
Me: Probably not, no.
Thage: By the way, you have no idea how hard it is to give someone a lobotomy with an epeé.
Me: I don't really want to think about that to be honest.
Thage: -she shrugs- It's the most humane way to disable someone on the Black King's side of the board.
Me: No, the most humane way is to get them psychiatric help. Lobotomising them is the easiest way.
Thage: What do you think will happen to them in the asylum? Either a prefrontal, frontal, or transorbital lobotomy.
Me: Bullshit. You've been reading too many books of Victorian history, Thage. You know that Bedlam is at the forefront of humane psychological treatment these days, don't you?
Thage: -she looks up from her journal- The point is, these people are often too far gone. You? You're the exception that proves the rule. Even Cheska's starting to slip, you can see it as clearly as I can. At least this way, with some psychiatric help in re-learning the basics, Mr. Marsh has a chance at a genuine life again.
Me: Yeah, Cheska's starting to slip in the middle of nowhere, with no psychological treatment. Do you want to lobotomise Ava?
Thage: Want to, no. If she falls as far down the rabbit hole as Mr. Marsh did, there aren't many other options outside of killing her.
Me: Oh, of course, we wouldn't want her to be a burden to the health service or anything, we wouldn't want them to have to go through the effort of taking care of a mentally ill person. Much better to cut out a chunk of their brain or kill them!
Thage: It's more a matter that there's nothing the health service could do for them. Would you prefer she's paraded out in front of sixth-graders strapped to a gurney for the rest of her life? A way to scare them straight off of hallucinogens? It's like what you once told me in regards to the government not being able to handle the Black King, Ray.
Me: You're either living in a different century or your own little fucking world, either way, you are not living in reality if you think those are the only options that a mentally ill person has. You know, I thought the lobotomy was an extreme move but I didn't want to get into conflict with someone I consider my friend but if this is the bullshit you're going to be spouting around my mentally ill girlfriend, well, I'd be better off in a fucking Scientologist compound!
Thage: It's like I said. The government can't handle the Black King, and along that same vein, short of corrective brain surgery, lobotomies included, there's nothing medical and psychological science can do for the people he's corrupted.
Me: Of course there is! It's not like he's casting magic spells of "Greater Paranoia" on them, he's driving them up the wall and anyone who has been driven up a wall can be driven back down it. Or maybe I should just go shoot Ava right now, then catch a plane across the Atlantic and put a bullet between my mother's eyes? Does that sound like a good way to help the cause to you?
Thage: Spraying someone's brains out over a wall isn't quite the same as giving them a second chance without that corruption lingering in the back of their mind.
Me: A second chance with diminished mental capacity and no guarantee that he won't just make them loopy all over again. You act like I'm uninformed about the mental damage that Slender Man causes, when you know full well that whichever set of my memories is true, I'm more than fully aware.
Thage: Done right, the damage to someone's mental capacity isn't as severe as detractors paint it out to be. They might seem a tad serene, yes, but only a poorly-executed procedure results in the drooling idiots you see brought up.
Me: I'm not a moron, Thage, but the fact of the matter is that the only reason lobotomies are used is because they are faster, cheaper, easier and less time-consuming than giving long-term psychiatric care. If a lobotomy is medically necessary, by all means, cut a chunk of someone's brain out, but in most cases, and certainly in the case of you cutting a piece of someone's brain out with sports equipment, it wasn't a matter of necessity, it was a matter of convenience. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take my revolver and the one I just took from the assassin sent to kill you up to my room with me, just in case you decide to try to give her a corpus callosotomy with a bullet. -I turn to storm off in a rage-
Thage: -she runs after me and grabs my arm- Listen. Feel free to disagree, and if you feel so strongly, I won't do it to Ava. But for people who have been under his control as long as Mr. Marsh, it's not a matter of convenience, it's a matter of "better safe than sorry". Another note, -she smiles wryly- the epeé is a weapon if it's not approved for competition.
Me: Damn right you won't do it to Ava. And last time I checked "better safe than sorry" is a matter of convenience. Now, let me go fume for a while until I start to look back at this all from a less emotional perspective and then demonise my own role until I feel like a dickhead, even though I'm the one promoting basic human rights while you want to cut people's brains up "just in case". Good fucking night, Thage.
Thage: Feel free to demonize me. I never walked on the board to be a hero in shining armor. -she turns around and walks back to the sitting room-
Me: Whatever. -I continue storming off, already feeling like a dickhead-
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have shouted or cursed at her but at this stage, I don't give a fuck. She's in the wrong and she can wallow there for all I care.
Reach fucking out.
Crux
Sorry about the lack of activity, I'm after stressing myself into a cold. It happened all the time when I was caring for Ariana. I'd stay up until all hours just in case she had a nightmare. In fact, some days, I got less sleep than her. Yeah, well, I did it again, got sick and ended up in bed beside Ava with Thage taking care of both of us. Yeah, I'm stupid, I know.
I've been thinking a lot about the messages that appeared in a couple of my posts, as helpfully pointed out by Aimee. I'm fairly sure that they're not being caused by Slender Man, which I find somewhat worrying, because it means there's someone else altering electronic communications. But then something else occurred to me. For this individual to be leaving these messages, they need certain words to appear in the posts. How do they ensure those words appear in the posts? Are they altering my thoughts before I put them into text to make sure they get the words they need? The implications are...troubling to say the least.
Reach out.
I've been thinking a lot about the messages that appeared in a couple of my posts, as helpfully pointed out by Aimee. I'm fairly sure that they're not being caused by Slender Man, which I find somewhat worrying, because it means there's someone else altering electronic communications. But then something else occurred to me. For this individual to be leaving these messages, they need certain words to appear in the posts. How do they ensure those words appear in the posts? Are they altering my thoughts before I put them into text to make sure they get the words they need? The implications are...troubling to say the least.
Reach out.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Facade Cracks
Okay, so I may have lied about how well I'm dealing with all of this to try and refute the people questioning my sanity. Actually, no, I did lie. I am not dealing with this well. I am not dealing with any of this well, but if I hadn't acted like I was then none of you would have listened to me and what I had to say was important.
This morning, I woke up and I didn't feel like me. I felt like neither Reach nor Ray. I just felt alien to the whole world around me. I think I felt like I was supposed to be in the Fallout universe for some reason. Maybe I'd been dreaming about the games or something. But, somehow, that wasn't the weird part.
See, that feeling of not being myself, I've had it before, so I got a feeling of déjà vu. But the memory of that feeling had been included in both my real and fake memories, so I felt like it had happened to me twice before; déjà vu deux fois, if you will.
Please don't pounce on me and say that this is evidence that I'm wrong or crazy. I'm neither. I'll freely admit that I'm not in the best place mentally at the moment but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong or crazy. So far, anyway. That feeling was unpleasant and what's worse is that it happened a few times. But you can't make any assumptions just from that. I'm not crazy.
Ava's still neither better nor worse than she was yesterday. You'd think there would some change in condition but, then again, we don't know for sure what exactly is wrong with her.We don't know which came first, the unconsciousness or the hitting her head off a table. We're just waiting. It's all we can do, really.
The thing that quite possibly bothers me the most is myself though. I was reading back over old posts and it suddenly dawned on me that I always brush off my problems and treat them like they're nothing. Ava hated when I did it, so, out of respect for her, I'm not going to lie about how I'm feeling to you guys.
I'm tired. Above all things, I'm tired. I know Ava's only been unconscious for just over a week but it honestly feels like I'm caring for Ariana again. In both cases, the work is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
I just want a hug from my Mam. Honestly. I would kill just for that one hug. But I can't get it because my Mam is locked up in the loony bin. My Mam who nearly had to raise me single-handedly, due to the long days my father worked, toiling from 5 am to 9 pm. Somewhat different to a 9-to-5 job.
Ugh, I'm not very good at this. I'll try again tomorrow. Before I go though, let me leave you with this;
While reading through some old posts, I found this comment by zero;
Reach out.
This morning, I woke up and I didn't feel like me. I felt like neither Reach nor Ray. I just felt alien to the whole world around me. I think I felt like I was supposed to be in the Fallout universe for some reason. Maybe I'd been dreaming about the games or something. But, somehow, that wasn't the weird part.
See, that feeling of not being myself, I've had it before, so I got a feeling of déjà vu. But the memory of that feeling had been included in both my real and fake memories, so I felt like it had happened to me twice before; déjà vu deux fois, if you will.
Please don't pounce on me and say that this is evidence that I'm wrong or crazy. I'm neither. I'll freely admit that I'm not in the best place mentally at the moment but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong or crazy. So far, anyway. That feeling was unpleasant and what's worse is that it happened a few times. But you can't make any assumptions just from that. I'm not crazy.
Ava's still neither better nor worse than she was yesterday. You'd think there would some change in condition but, then again, we don't know for sure what exactly is wrong with her.We don't know which came first, the unconsciousness or the hitting her head off a table. We're just waiting. It's all we can do, really.
The thing that quite possibly bothers me the most is myself though. I was reading back over old posts and it suddenly dawned on me that I always brush off my problems and treat them like they're nothing. Ava hated when I did it, so, out of respect for her, I'm not going to lie about how I'm feeling to you guys.
I'm tired. Above all things, I'm tired. I know Ava's only been unconscious for just over a week but it honestly feels like I'm caring for Ariana again. In both cases, the work is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
I just want a hug from my Mam. Honestly. I would kill just for that one hug. But I can't get it because my Mam is locked up in the loony bin. My Mam who nearly had to raise me single-handedly, due to the long days my father worked, toiling from 5 am to 9 pm. Somewhat different to a 9-to-5 job.
Ugh, I'm not very good at this. I'll try again tomorrow. Before I go though, let me leave you with this;
While reading through some old posts, I found this comment by zero;
zero said...
It was spelled out for me! Right at the start, it was there in black and dark browny-red! Ugh, I've been so blind, over and over again. I just can't even fathom the depths of my own stupidity. I truly cannot even imagine how I could be such a moron.
"nessa" said in her last post for the day
"Reach Out
AHAHAHAHAHA"
thought that was you revealing your colors.
Truth be told I'm not fully convinced you're able to hide from him, this could all still be a puppet show to establish sympathy.
However, I do apologize for the accusation.
Reach out.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Alekhine's Gun, Part 5/News From Home/Running
All this happened a few hours ago. It starts with me in the room Ava and I are sharing in Thage's new house;
Thage: -knocks lightly on my door-
Me: -I'm roused from a daydream- Come in!
Thage: -she steps in- How's Ava?
Me: -I lean over and put my hand on her forehead- The same. Thanks for getting the IV drip. Where did you even get it?
Thage: Some guy in a gas mask.
Me: Is that a joke I don't get it or just you being mysterious?
Thage: Neither. I literally don't know who he is. Tall, black male from what I could gather. Dreadlocks.
Me: How did you get into contact with him? I can't imagine there being a huge demand for medical supplies on the black market. Morphine notwithstanding.
Thage: He caught me on the way here from Maryland, said he knew Ava's mother and wanted to make sure Ava was alright. Then he put this in my car. -she leans back on the wall- In all honesty, I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Me: Wait, a guy in a gas mask who knows Daisee? What was that guy that kidnapped her a few weeks ago? His avatar was a guy in a gas mask?
Thage: It could be. I remember he was assigned to guard her shortly after.
Me: Delta Five, that's it. But he's with the PTC now, right? So is he still Delta Five?
Thage: -she shrugs-
Me: Meh, it doesn't matter.
Thage: -she sighs- I knew, you know.
Me: You knew what?
Thage: About what you and Jean have been talking about. I knew since before this round of the game started.
Me: You...you knew that my memories were fake and...and you didn't tell me!? -I stand up angrily and glare at her- Why!? Why did you lie!?
Thage: -she meets my gaze calmly- Imagine being told flat out that your entire forty-year-plus life was fake, that it never happened, and that the woman you thought you'd been turned into an abomination to save hung herself.
Me: -I stand there, silently, then fall back into my chair and bury my face in my palms- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout at you.
Thage: It's a stressful time for a lot of people.
Me: Yeah, it is.
Thage: -she starts rolling a pair of dice around in her hand- Something of that magnitude, you have to learn for yourself. Either you wouldn't have believed me, or you'd have ended up like Robert.
Me: You're right, you're right. What's with the dice?
Thage: Nervous tick.
Me: Ah right. I thought it might be something profound or significant.
Thage: Nope.
Me: How did you figure it out?
Thage: Two and two started adding up to chair.
Me: Chair?
Thage: As in, nothing added up.
Me: Ah, I see.
Thage: The red flag, of course, was when you said you'd given me the deal. I got the deal from a man in his late fifties, with backswept white hair and a sense of style right out of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhod.
Me: But you played along to see if you could help me work it out.
Thage: I played along because that's what you needed. I dropped hints here and there, but it was mostly up to you to jog your own memory.
Me: -I facepalm as realisation strikes- That book of European legends you gave me. The one with Elizabeth Bathory in it. It had a story about a man who had his memory tampered with by a god for shits and giggles. Fuck.
Thage: Exactly.
Me: Shit, it's so obvious now. A warrior whose wife was killed by Fenrir tries to kill him but Loki makes him think he's a draugr who serves him. A draugr, for fuck's sake! Ugh, I was so fucking blind!
Thage: Don't be too hard on yourself, it's an obscure myth. -she looks around the room- By the by, can we try not to get the walls in this one carved up?
Me: Yeah, don't worry. As you saw, I decided to type my biography instead of scratching it into your plaster. -a moment of silence- Thage, can I borrow your phone? I think it's time I called home.
Thage: Go for it.
Me: Thanks. I apologise in advance for the cost of the international call.
Thage: I get telemarketers from India all the time, you're fine.
Me: If you say so. Thanks, Thage. For everything you've done for me.
Thage: Not to worry.
Me: Christ, Thage, accept some gratitude once in a while.
Thage: I'm certainly accepting it, I'm just doing it offhandedly. -she winks-
Me: If you say so. Do you mind keeping an eye on Ava while I try to get through to my Mam?
Thage: -she nods and sits at Ava's bedside-
Me: Thanks, I'll be back up in a few minutes.
I headed downstairs and found Thage's house phone. It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to dial the number. The first three times, I hung up as soon as it started ringing. I got it on the fourth try. It was my sister who answered;
Me: Hello?
Emma: Yes?
Me: Uh, is this Emma Shaughnessy?
Emma: It is, yeah, who's this?
Me: Uh...it's Ray, Em.
Emma: ...Ray?
Me: Yeah. Hi, sis.
Emma: Oh my god, Ray, you're...we thought...you went missing and Mam said...oh, Ray...where are you?
Me: I'm, uh, I'm in North Dakota.
Emma: North Dakota? You're in America?
Me: Yeah, it's a really long story, uh, Em, is Mam there?
Emma: ...No, Ray, she's...she...she, um, she had a psychotic break a couple of weeks ago and she's in, um, St. Luke's in Clonmel.
Me: St. Luke's!? Christ, fuck, uh, Em, tell me, what was Mam like before the break? Was there anything particularly strange?
Emma: Yeah, she, um, she got really paranoid and agoraphobic, first, she wouldn't leave the house alone, then she wouldn't leave it at all and, after a while, she refused to leave her room and got scared when we opened the door. And, um, she kept whispering to herself, the same thing, over and over. She kept saying, uh, "He has Raymond."
Me: Shit, fuck, cunt, urgh, Em, I'm gonna be back in Ireland soon but, until I'm back, you can't tell anyone about this phone call except Dad and Dad can't tell anyone else either. Don't tell Brian, Karina, Derek, anyone. Keep it between yourselves, for now. I have to go.
Emma: Wait, Ray! What's going on? Why are you in North Dakota? Why did you go missing in November? What does this have to do with Mam? Did what Mam saw on Coumshingaun really happen? Ray...who is "He"?
Me: Em, don't ask me that question, never ask me that question. If I answer that question, you will be in great danger. If Mam wrote anything down or drew any pictures or anything while she was being paranoid or having her psychotic break, don't read them, don't look at them, just lock them in her safe until I get home, okay? Promise me, Em, promise on Granny's grave!
Emma: I...I promise.
Me: Good, good, thank you. I have to go now, I have a lot to do if I want to get home soon. Tell Dad I love him. And, uh, I know this isn't what we usually do but...I love you, Em.
Emma: I love you too, Ray.
I hung up. I didn't cry or bury my face in my palms or anything. I just felt numb. Since I was downstairs anyway, I grabbed myself a sandwhich and just ate it robotically. When I was done, I headed back upstairs, barely thinking or feeling;
Me: -I enter the room- I just got off the phone with my sister.
Thage: Oh?
Me: My Mam, she, uh, she...he got to her. She's in a psychiatric hospital.
Thage: Ah. Sorry to hear that.
Me: Yeah...I... -I run my hands hands through my hair and try to keep calm but just break down crying and fall to my knees- It's my fault! She's gone off the fucking deep end and it's my fault!
Thage: -she walks over and smacks me on the back of the head- It's not like you left the Mafia and they wanted to get back at you! He would have killed her anyway, altered your memories, and you would never have realised she's gone!
Me: No, he would have left her alone if I hadn't turned against him! I would have spent the rest of my life in that quarry and she'd have moved on from my disappearance and, yeah, she would have been sad and she'd have always wondered what happened to me but she wouldn't have lost her fucking mind! She got caught in the crossfire between me and Slenderfuck and she wouldn't have if I'd been shooting from his side!
Thage: Stop, take a deep breath, and think about what you just said against how he's been shown to operate.
Me: -I cringe as I realise what I just said- He's trying to get me back. He's exploiting my regret. She's bait.
Thage: Now you're on the right track.
Me: -I run my hands through my hair- Thage, is there somewhere I can go for a little while and just calm down? I need to get rational again.
Thage: Here's as good a place as any, but there's a running track a couple miles south.
Me: I think I'll go for a sprint and do a few laps of the running track. I need some fresh air. I've spent too long cooped up in my room with Ava. I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Thage: Alright. I'll be here.
I grabbed some trackies that Thage bought me and changed out of my jeans. Once I was changed, I sprinted down to the running track, stopping now and then to get directions. Even with the stops, I made pretty good time. It wasn't "four minute mile" material or anything but I was outpacing most of the cars in the area (easy enough in an urban setting, of course, what with speed limits and traffic). At any rate, I arrived at the running track. It had quite obviously fallen into disuse. It definitely hadn't been weeded in a few months. But beggars can't be choosers, so I started jogging. And as I was jogging, I started thinking about, well, everything. I reached a few conclusions;
I have to save my mother from Slender Man.
I have to save Eulogy from the delusion and help him remember who he really is.
Pursuant to the above, I have to get back to Ireland.
I cannot go back to Ireland until Ava's awake.
The reason for this is that I love Avalesca Farrell-Conquest more than anyone in the world and abandoning her would break my heart and be a really scummy thing to do anyway.
It just after reaching the last conclusion that I saw him. I don't know how long he'd been there, just beyond the stands, watching me. The last time I saw him, I gave him a mental "fuck you". This time? I ran. I wasn't prepared for him. I'm still not. I'm not in the right frame of mind yet. If I'd stayed, he would have taken me. Even while I was running, I could hear him in my head. Whispering in his sick language of compulsions. Telling me to turn around and run into his waiting arms. To feel the dark embrace of his many, convulsing limbs.
I resisted. Somehow. I could feel the tendrils of his influence reaching into my mind, trying to take hold of my regret and self-blame, hoping to give them a tug and watch as the whole fabric of my mind became unwoven. But I didn't let him. I ran. And I'm not ashamed to say that. After all, I fear him. And why not? Fear is good. Fear is survival.
When I got back, I made Thage go and get something to eat while I returned to Ava's bedside. I've noticed she has a tendency to forget to eat. Who knows, maybe if I bug her enough about it, she'll start eating regularly just to shut me up.
Slender Man's outside. I can see him out the window. He's far away, at the other end of the long street where Thage's new house is. But he's still there. Just standing there. And whispering. Whispering in my head. But I'm safe again. I'm back in my Fortress of Solitude. I'm not running now. He can't get inside my head while I'm here with Ava and Thage. He can fuck off.
Reach out.
Thage: -knocks lightly on my door-
Me: -I'm roused from a daydream- Come in!
Thage: -she steps in- How's Ava?
Me: -I lean over and put my hand on her forehead- The same. Thanks for getting the IV drip. Where did you even get it?
Thage: Some guy in a gas mask.
Me: Is that a joke I don't get it or just you being mysterious?
Thage: Neither. I literally don't know who he is. Tall, black male from what I could gather. Dreadlocks.
Me: How did you get into contact with him? I can't imagine there being a huge demand for medical supplies on the black market. Morphine notwithstanding.
Thage: He caught me on the way here from Maryland, said he knew Ava's mother and wanted to make sure Ava was alright. Then he put this in my car. -she leans back on the wall- In all honesty, I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Me: Wait, a guy in a gas mask who knows Daisee? What was that guy that kidnapped her a few weeks ago? His avatar was a guy in a gas mask?
Thage: It could be. I remember he was assigned to guard her shortly after.
Me: Delta Five, that's it. But he's with the PTC now, right? So is he still Delta Five?
Thage: -she shrugs-
Me: Meh, it doesn't matter.
Thage: -she sighs- I knew, you know.
Me: You knew what?
Thage: About what you and Jean have been talking about. I knew since before this round of the game started.
Me: You...you knew that my memories were fake and...and you didn't tell me!? -I stand up angrily and glare at her- Why!? Why did you lie!?
Thage: -she meets my gaze calmly- Imagine being told flat out that your entire forty-year-plus life was fake, that it never happened, and that the woman you thought you'd been turned into an abomination to save hung herself.
Me: -I stand there, silently, then fall back into my chair and bury my face in my palms- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout at you.
Thage: It's a stressful time for a lot of people.
Me: Yeah, it is.
Thage: -she starts rolling a pair of dice around in her hand- Something of that magnitude, you have to learn for yourself. Either you wouldn't have believed me, or you'd have ended up like Robert.
Me: You're right, you're right. What's with the dice?
Thage: Nervous tick.
Me: Ah right. I thought it might be something profound or significant.
Thage: Nope.
Me: How did you figure it out?
Thage: Two and two started adding up to chair.
Me: Chair?
Thage: As in, nothing added up.
Me: Ah, I see.
Thage: The red flag, of course, was when you said you'd given me the deal. I got the deal from a man in his late fifties, with backswept white hair and a sense of style right out of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhod.
Me: But you played along to see if you could help me work it out.
Thage: I played along because that's what you needed. I dropped hints here and there, but it was mostly up to you to jog your own memory.
Me: -I facepalm as realisation strikes- That book of European legends you gave me. The one with Elizabeth Bathory in it. It had a story about a man who had his memory tampered with by a god for shits and giggles. Fuck.
Thage: Exactly.
Me: Shit, it's so obvious now. A warrior whose wife was killed by Fenrir tries to kill him but Loki makes him think he's a draugr who serves him. A draugr, for fuck's sake! Ugh, I was so fucking blind!
Thage: Don't be too hard on yourself, it's an obscure myth. -she looks around the room- By the by, can we try not to get the walls in this one carved up?
Me: Yeah, don't worry. As you saw, I decided to type my biography instead of scratching it into your plaster. -a moment of silence- Thage, can I borrow your phone? I think it's time I called home.
Thage: Go for it.
Me: Thanks. I apologise in advance for the cost of the international call.
Thage: I get telemarketers from India all the time, you're fine.
Me: If you say so. Thanks, Thage. For everything you've done for me.
Thage: Not to worry.
Me: Christ, Thage, accept some gratitude once in a while.
Thage: I'm certainly accepting it, I'm just doing it offhandedly. -she winks-
Me: If you say so. Do you mind keeping an eye on Ava while I try to get through to my Mam?
Thage: -she nods and sits at Ava's bedside-
Me: Thanks, I'll be back up in a few minutes.
I headed downstairs and found Thage's house phone. It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to dial the number. The first three times, I hung up as soon as it started ringing. I got it on the fourth try. It was my sister who answered;
Me: Hello?
Emma: Yes?
Me: Uh, is this Emma Shaughnessy?
Emma: It is, yeah, who's this?
Me: Uh...it's Ray, Em.
Emma: ...Ray?
Me: Yeah. Hi, sis.
Emma: Oh my god, Ray, you're...we thought...you went missing and Mam said...oh, Ray...where are you?
Me: I'm, uh, I'm in North Dakota.
Emma: North Dakota? You're in America?
Me: Yeah, it's a really long story, uh, Em, is Mam there?
Emma: ...No, Ray, she's...she...she, um, she had a psychotic break a couple of weeks ago and she's in, um, St. Luke's in Clonmel.
Me: St. Luke's!? Christ, fuck, uh, Em, tell me, what was Mam like before the break? Was there anything particularly strange?
Emma: Yeah, she, um, she got really paranoid and agoraphobic, first, she wouldn't leave the house alone, then she wouldn't leave it at all and, after a while, she refused to leave her room and got scared when we opened the door. And, um, she kept whispering to herself, the same thing, over and over. She kept saying, uh, "He has Raymond."
Me: Shit, fuck, cunt, urgh, Em, I'm gonna be back in Ireland soon but, until I'm back, you can't tell anyone about this phone call except Dad and Dad can't tell anyone else either. Don't tell Brian, Karina, Derek, anyone. Keep it between yourselves, for now. I have to go.
Emma: Wait, Ray! What's going on? Why are you in North Dakota? Why did you go missing in November? What does this have to do with Mam? Did what Mam saw on Coumshingaun really happen? Ray...who is "He"?
Me: Em, don't ask me that question, never ask me that question. If I answer that question, you will be in great danger. If Mam wrote anything down or drew any pictures or anything while she was being paranoid or having her psychotic break, don't read them, don't look at them, just lock them in her safe until I get home, okay? Promise me, Em, promise on Granny's grave!
Emma: I...I promise.
Me: Good, good, thank you. I have to go now, I have a lot to do if I want to get home soon. Tell Dad I love him. And, uh, I know this isn't what we usually do but...I love you, Em.
Emma: I love you too, Ray.
I hung up. I didn't cry or bury my face in my palms or anything. I just felt numb. Since I was downstairs anyway, I grabbed myself a sandwhich and just ate it robotically. When I was done, I headed back upstairs, barely thinking or feeling;
Me: -I enter the room- I just got off the phone with my sister.
Thage: Oh?
Me: My Mam, she, uh, she...he got to her. She's in a psychiatric hospital.
Thage: Ah. Sorry to hear that.
Me: Yeah...I... -I run my hands hands through my hair and try to keep calm but just break down crying and fall to my knees- It's my fault! She's gone off the fucking deep end and it's my fault!
Thage: -she walks over and smacks me on the back of the head- It's not like you left the Mafia and they wanted to get back at you! He would have killed her anyway, altered your memories, and you would never have realised she's gone!
Me: No, he would have left her alone if I hadn't turned against him! I would have spent the rest of my life in that quarry and she'd have moved on from my disappearance and, yeah, she would have been sad and she'd have always wondered what happened to me but she wouldn't have lost her fucking mind! She got caught in the crossfire between me and Slenderfuck and she wouldn't have if I'd been shooting from his side!
Thage: Stop, take a deep breath, and think about what you just said against how he's been shown to operate.
Me: -I cringe as I realise what I just said- He's trying to get me back. He's exploiting my regret. She's bait.
Thage: Now you're on the right track.
Me: -I run my hands through my hair- Thage, is there somewhere I can go for a little while and just calm down? I need to get rational again.
Thage: Here's as good a place as any, but there's a running track a couple miles south.
Me: I think I'll go for a sprint and do a few laps of the running track. I need some fresh air. I've spent too long cooped up in my room with Ava. I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Thage: Alright. I'll be here.
I grabbed some trackies that Thage bought me and changed out of my jeans. Once I was changed, I sprinted down to the running track, stopping now and then to get directions. Even with the stops, I made pretty good time. It wasn't "four minute mile" material or anything but I was outpacing most of the cars in the area (easy enough in an urban setting, of course, what with speed limits and traffic). At any rate, I arrived at the running track. It had quite obviously fallen into disuse. It definitely hadn't been weeded in a few months. But beggars can't be choosers, so I started jogging. And as I was jogging, I started thinking about, well, everything. I reached a few conclusions;
I have to save my mother from Slender Man.
I have to save Eulogy from the delusion and help him remember who he really is.
Pursuant to the above, I have to get back to Ireland.
I cannot go back to Ireland until Ava's awake.
The reason for this is that I love Avalesca Farrell-Conquest more than anyone in the world and abandoning her would break my heart and be a really scummy thing to do anyway.
It just after reaching the last conclusion that I saw him. I don't know how long he'd been there, just beyond the stands, watching me. The last time I saw him, I gave him a mental "fuck you". This time? I ran. I wasn't prepared for him. I'm still not. I'm not in the right frame of mind yet. If I'd stayed, he would have taken me. Even while I was running, I could hear him in my head. Whispering in his sick language of compulsions. Telling me to turn around and run into his waiting arms. To feel the dark embrace of his many, convulsing limbs.
I resisted. Somehow. I could feel the tendrils of his influence reaching into my mind, trying to take hold of my regret and self-blame, hoping to give them a tug and watch as the whole fabric of my mind became unwoven. But I didn't let him. I ran. And I'm not ashamed to say that. After all, I fear him. And why not? Fear is good. Fear is survival.
When I got back, I made Thage go and get something to eat while I returned to Ava's bedside. I've noticed she has a tendency to forget to eat. Who knows, maybe if I bug her enough about it, she'll start eating regularly just to shut me up.
Slender Man's outside. I can see him out the window. He's far away, at the other end of the long street where Thage's new house is. But he's still there. Just standing there. And whispering. Whispering in my head. But I'm safe again. I'm back in my Fortress of Solitude. I'm not running now. He can't get inside my head while I'm here with Ava and Thage. He can fuck off.
Reach out.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I Am Raymond Shaughnessy
<< THE TRUTH REVEALED AT LAST >>
(By the way, my tagline was the hint I left as to the location of the quarry, it's an anagram of "The quarry lies in Cahir, Ireland.")
I lived the first year of my life with my parents, John and Catherine Shaughnessy, in an apartment over the shop of an undertaker, a family friend called Wally Costigan.
When my sister, Emma, was born, we moved to a nearby housing estate called Sommerville. In Sommerville, I made some friends, but I also made some enemies. From as young as two, I was bullied on a daily basis by another kid who lived there called Tony Allen. I was bullied a lot in school too, mainly because I was one of the few kids in the school who gave more of a shit about actually learning things than kicking a ball in between two school jumpers. Luckily, Tony moved away when I was about ten, and, even more luckily, I moved away from Sommerville when I was eleven, to a nice terraced house just down the road from my school. Speaking of which, the bullying situation came to an abrupt end about half-way through 6th Class, when I flipped out and knocked out one of the bullies, a kid called Eoin Murphy.
I went on from my bully-ridden primary education to a much nicer secondary education in the local secondary school, Coláiste Dún Iascaigh. It was in CDI that I first started considering writing as a serious profession and first started learning Spanish (my grammar is excellent, my vocabulary is awful). Between the ages of 14 and 16, I made a lot of friends and lost a lot too. In the end, I ended up with four true friends;
Orla McCarthy, my classmate and emotional sister.
Matthew Hewitt, her cousin and my emotional brother.
Damien Keating, my verbal sparring partner.
Ariana Fenty, my girlfriend.
I met Ariana on March 13th, 2009 at a disco in the little village of Monroe. At the time I was with my then-girlfriend Saoirse O'Dwyer, but she was good friends with Ariana and we'd only been going out a week or so, so she dumped me so Ariana could have me. Well, unfortunately for Ariana, I'm a socially awkward dork, so it took my until September 27th of that year to get up the courage to ask her out (I was in the dark about Saoirse's reasons for dumping me and didn't realise I actually had a chance with her).
Ariana and I fell in love fast and hard, even with the cost of public transport meaning that we only got to see each other, at most, two days a week (she lived in Kilsheelan, though she was originally from Waterford). I really did love her, even though there are the cynics who say teenage love is an illusion. Our relationship was, well, idyllic, really. One of the nicest of the memories I've reclaimed is a memory of us at a 30 Seconds to Mars concert in Dublin on the 26th of February. We were standing, even though we were in the seated area of the O2, and I had my armies around her and she was holding my forearms and she was wearing this corset-esque vest top that I really liked and we were singing along to This Is War and it was just a nice moment. Unfortunately, it didn't last.
On May 17th, 2010, Ariana had the first of her nightmares.
I'm not going to go into detail on what happened in Ariana's nightmares, but, suffice to say, she relived her worst memories and was taunted by her regrets. The nightmares got progressively worse as the months passed, Ariana got very sick due to exhaustion, she became paranoid and depressed and suicidal. I cared for her as best I could while only seeing her one or two days a week but I always felt like she was holding something back. I eventually got her to tell me what it was, in late August.
The Slender Man. Or "The Suit", as she called him. She said that he had appeared first in her nightmares but then she began seeing him in real life. I wanted to have her committed but she had a phobia of hospitals and she especially feared mental health clinics, as a result of spending some time in one and being forced to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (which is legally just dandy, thanks to Section 59b of the Mental Health Act). I decided to wait and see if I could help her alone. I couldn't.
On October 29th, Ariana hung herself.
I collapsed into a spiral of depression and self-loathing. I blamed myself for not getting her the help she needed. Looking back now, I wonder if there was ever any help for her, considering that her nightmares were caused by Slender Man.
Slender Man. He was on the sidelines, waiting for me. Lurking on the fringes of the spiral of hatred to which I'd consigned myself. I was one of a number that he took to the quarry, some of whom became "Revenants" and some of whom became "Conduits" (who were promptly killed). Slate, Eulogy, Aria, Gethsemane? Try Robert Ward, Father Matthew Knight, Jennifer Collins and Even Deveraux. He got into our heads, the way he gets into everyone's heads; one way or another. He didn't come up with new lives for us, he just remade our old ones. Take me, for example. He took all the self-loathing and self-blaming and he took the love and the memories, everything that was already there, even the names, and remade them. He wove together a new life; the life of Reach.
My true purpose in the blogosphere was simple. Introduce a new variable. The most contagious entity in existence is an idea and I was Patient Zero. The idea? Revenants and Conduits. Superpowers. Haven't you guys ever noticed that they only started appearing after I showed up? I introduced this foreign idea to the blogosphere and it spread like a virus. Some managed to resist the infection. But it managed to take hold nonetheless.
How many of us got distracted fighting Revenants, combating this "new threat" (this new threat that had somehow been around for over 40 years without anyone noticing)? Too many, that's how many.
Oh, but it doesn't end there. I thought all that time I was "on the run", that I was resisting his attempts to compel me to serve him. How wrong I was. That's simply what he compelled me to think, while all the while I was following his orders and then being told to forget them (unfortunately, Slender Man's grasp of human psychology clearly doesn't cover the theory that information is never forgotten, simply stored in difficult-to-access parts of the brain).
When Thage re-entered the game, he gave me the memories necessary to pose as the one who made her deal and ingratiate myself with her. He used me to lure Ava to Ireland, then to the dark place and the quarry. The only reason that his attempts to kill her failed is because it was at that point that I actually started resisting his compulsions.
Because I was falling in love with Ava and that love was healing the hurt that gave him his power over me. So, the "Revenant on the run" persona he had constructed as a cover for my use as a tool of his will became my actual persona, because he had been making me forget about serving him. His own plan turned against him.
He took me back again at the quarry and tried to recondition me but failed. So, instead, he used my delusion against me by making me think I was suddenly human again and then handed me off to Redlight, who put me in his little game with my mother, the unsuccessful writer. Redlight knew. Just look at what he said in "Rules, Robert". He didn't say "father and daughter". He said "parent and child". You all assumed because of the false life I'd told you about that I was the parent and
Unfortunately for Redlight, Robert used the Path of Black Leaves to grab me. "How could Robert use the Path of Black Leaves if there's no such thing as Revenants?", you may ask. Well, in fairness, before I came along, Revenants were never necessary for freaky teleportation to happen. My guess is that Robert used the same way of getting around that Slender Man himself does because he thought he could because he thought he had a Revenant. Again, Slender Man's delusion turning against him when one of his greatest enemies believes in the delusion enough to exploit reality (I think this is also how the "Conduit" Tom gets around; this is an avenue of research that needs to be followed).
And, well, everything that happened after that needs no explaining because nothing after that requires the existence of the Revenants. The only point in the story after my return from Redlight's trap that involves Revenants is when we rescued Robert from Fairfax and it's not like they even displayed their "superpowers"; we just gunned them down.
That's my story. That's the truth. I'm sorry if it disappoints you. I know that, compared to the Reach that you knew, my battles don't seem nearly as mighty and inspiring, but which is better, an inspiring lie or an uninspiring truth? To be honest, I don't know which is better, but I do know that all that I have told you (except for the bits where I theorise, obviously) is the truth. I also know that some of you aren't going to accept this, that you're going to say that what I told you before is the truth and what I'm telling you now is the delusion and you are perfectly entitled to believe that but if you believe that, you are believing a lie. I know the truth now, I know who I am. I have told you the truth, I have told you who I am. If you don't believe me, I'm not going to try and justify myself to you, because you're probably not gonna change your mind anyway.
Some of you, I know, are wondering whether the man you've gotten to know over the past few months was really me. The answer is, well, sort of, yes. Reach and I have the same personality, regretful, self-blaming, angry. We just have different regrets and blame ourselves and get angry for different things. I dunno whether or not that's good enough for you and perhaps some of the friends I've made won't be able to think of me as a friend anymore. Maybe when Ava wakes up, she'll be in love with Reach but not me. I don't know. I can't see the future. But I still care about you all and I still love Ava, so I'm hoping that our relationships don't change.
Also, the question of my name still stands. Well, honestly, I like Ray, but I'm not gonna make you all stop calling me Reach if you want to. Hell, plenty of people on blogosphere don't post using their actual names even if their names are known. Reach isn't my name but that doesn't mean it can't be my handle. And, if nothing else, it gives me a really great sign-off.
Reach out.
Another Day, Another Lie
It was all a lie. It is all a lie.
He's not a physical monster, oh no, that's too simple. He's much more subtle.Is he even real? Of course he is, otherwise what I'm thinking wouldn't make sense. And here was me thinking I'd gotten away with my mind relatively intact.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME ONE, COME ALL AND SEE THE AMAZING SLENDER MAN PERFORM HIS MOST AMAZING TRICK, "THE DISILLUSIONED MAN"!
Like all great tricks, it is composed of three parts; the pledge, the turn and the prestige!
The Pledge; the Slender Man presents, for your consideration, a perfectly ordinary human being! Feel free to inspect our lovely volunteer, ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you, he is quite human!
The Turn; the Slender Man, will perform an amazing transformative trick, using techniques familiar to certain citizens of the Orient and various holy men of the Himalayas. Indeed, many of you may be familiar with this technique, but for those of you who are not, do not be alarmed. What you're about to see is considered safe.
SMASH
CRACK
SPLIT
FREAKY MUMBO JUMBO
Ladies and gentlemen, the Slender Man has transformed this ordinary human into a Revenant! *pause for applause*
But it's not over yet, ladies and gentlemen!
The Prestige; the Slender Man turns his erstwhile servant back into a human! Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, oh yes, he is that good! Take a bow, Slender Man, take a bow!
(Meanwhile, backstage, the true secret is revealed. There are no Revenants and there never were. Slender Man is a monster of the mind, not of the flesh. We were never transformed. He just made everyone think we were. I can see the scars now. I can see them all over. There was no superhumanity, no transformation. Another day, another lie, another day, another lie, another day, another goddamn motherfucking lielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielelielielielielie
He got inside our heads he got inside all our heads and he told our heads to tell each other's heads that we were magic and powerful and gods and heroes and fuck fuck fuck there are no Revenants there are no Conduits it was all a lielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielelielielielielie just another way to distract us to keep us in line we spend so much time fighting shadows we don't spend any time fighting the shadow of our entire reality that lies in our own hearts and the heart of every man and woman and child.
Pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns.)
He's not a physical monster, oh no, that's too simple. He's much more subtle.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME ONE, COME ALL AND SEE THE AMAZING SLENDER MAN PERFORM HIS MOST AMAZING TRICK, "THE DISILLUSIONED MAN"!
Like all great tricks, it is composed of three parts; the pledge, the turn and the prestige!
The Pledge; the Slender Man presents, for your consideration, a perfectly ordinary human being! Feel free to inspect our lovely volunteer, ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you, he is quite human!
The Turn; the Slender Man, will perform an amazing transformative trick, using techniques familiar to certain citizens of the Orient and various holy men of the Himalayas. Indeed, many of you may be familiar with this technique, but for those of you who are not, do not be alarmed. What you're about to see is considered safe.
SMASH
CRACK
SPLIT
FREAKY MUMBO JUMBO
Ladies and gentlemen, the Slender Man has transformed this ordinary human into a Revenant! *pause for applause*
But it's not over yet, ladies and gentlemen!
The Prestige; the Slender Man turns his erstwhile servant back into a human! Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, oh yes, he is that good! Take a bow, Slender Man, take a bow!
(Meanwhile, backstage, the true secret is revealed. There are no Revenants and there never were. Slender Man is a monster of the mind, not of the flesh. We were never transformed. He just made everyone think we were. I can see the scars now. I can see them all over. There was no superhumanity, no transformation. Another day, another lie, another day, another lie, another day, another goddamn motherfucking lielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielelielielielielie
He got inside our heads he got inside all our heads and he told our heads to tell each other's heads that we were magic and powerful and gods and heroes and fuck fuck fuck there are no Revenants there are no Conduits it was all a lielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielielelielielielielie just another way to distract us to keep us in line we spend so much time fighting shadows we don't spend any time fighting the shadow of our entire reality that lies in our own hearts and the heart of every man and woman and child.
Pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns, pawns, we are all pawns.)
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