Hey, guys. It's been hard these past couple of days. It still is. Losing Katie was a major blow. It was more than just losing my family, it was losing my last link to who I was. When Katie died, so did the last physical evidence of Raymond Shaughnessy's existence, the last memory that the world has of him. I've lost the last link to my humanity; there is only Reach now.
Thage and I talked. As it turns out, I was right; I have met Thage before. A few times.
I'm not going to reveal too much, because it's not my place to tell Thage's story. What I will say is that during her own struggles with Slender Man, Thage came to Ireland to find something important, that which I once protected; the secret in the quarry. When she came looking for it, it had just been placed within my care and when I found out why she was here, I made moves to protect it. I had proxies attack her in hotels or in places where she was looking for the secret. I attacked her myself a couple of times. I subjected her and her loved ones to terror and injury.
I've already apologised to Thage for what I did but I'm going to say it again here; I am so sorry. I wish I could plead my innocence by saying I was still under Slender Man's control, but the fact of the matter is that while he told me to stop you, I was the one who sent out the proxies and it was of my own volition that I attacked you personally. I may have been his slave, but at that point I was his willing slave, and everything that happened to you after you came to Ireland is entirely my fault. I can never take back what I've done, but I want you to know that there is no end to the depths of my regret.
Eventually, Thage left Ireland, without ever having found the secret, mainly because she was being hounded by me at every turn. But I didn't leave the matter go. I kept on at her, even though it was unnecessary. She never found the secret and she wouldn't even be able to talk about it because of the...I don't know what it is, but I guess "curse" is the best approximation; if anyone who has come under Slender Man's attention, in other words, any Runner, mentions the secret or its location, it automatically lets Slender Man know where they are. That's why I never mentioned it by name and rarely talk about it, and at least part of the reason that Thage is so cryptic about her past. At any rate, when Thage went back to America, she was no longer a threat and it is a sign of how far I'd fallen at that point that I didn't leave her alone.
I'm the reason that Shayde is the way she is.
I'm the one that offered Thage the deal.
I feel like a filthy excuse for a person. It was one thing for me to think about all the horrible things I had to do as a Revenant but being confronted with one of my victims, seeing for myself what I've done to this poor woman's life...I'll never forgive myself. I think it only makes my shame worse that, in spite of what I did to her, Thage is still a wonderful person. She'd be leading us against Slender Man if...
...if I hadn't broken her. It really makes me feel like scum in comparison; she refused the offer of joining Slender Man, while I caved and joined the ranks of pure evil for forty years. Some might say that I took the route that anyone would in my situation but they can't convince me that I did anything other than betray the human race for selfish reasons; Thage was in the exact same situation and threw it back in my face. Were the lives of Ariana and Katie really worth the lives I've taken, the lives I've destroyed? Were their lives really worth Thage's or Shayde's?
Thage says she doesn't blame me. It's amazing how forgiving she's being. She has a sort of serene sadness about her, even in text. I guess that's what separates the broken and the fallen; Thage is full of sorrow while I'm full of anger.
And that anger needs to be put to better use than beating myself up. I'm not giving up. Not yet, anyway. I think there's potential for something to be done here in Ireland, but I can't do it alone, yet I have no allies here and am surrounded by enemies and the ocean on all sides. For now, I'm just going to keep running and hopefully try and kill more Revenants. But I'm not giving up. The burden of losing Katie and the burden of what I did to Thage will always be like a ball and chain on my mind but I'm not going to let them hold me back; instead, they're going to be a constant reminder of how I need to push harder, walk faster and fight ever more viciously.
I'm fighting for Katie, for Thage, for Fizz, for Nessa, for Amelia, for Ariana, for someone else who isn't a girl so I don't look like some damsel-saving weirdo, for every one who has ever had to face torment by the hands of Slender Man and for everyone who should never have to go through what we did. If you're reading this, I'm fighting for you. If you're not, well, you'll never know, but I'm fighting for you too.
This is not a war; this is a liberation.