Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Confessions of a London Librarian/A Dialogue Between Self and Same

Sorry for the delay in getting these uploaded but things have been hectic here these past few days. Preparations and plans and plots and pah, I'm exhausted just thinking about it all. Anyway, never mind me, here are the excerpts that Ava had marked. I won't presume to pass comment, I'll just let you reach your own conclusions;

"I didn’t even like Fox. Urgh. Of all the guys. At least I liked Lionel."

"Hound’s kid. Like fucking hell I was going to have the Fox hound’s kid."

"He was odd about it though, wanted to get a job to support ‘us.’ I hate that phrase, ‘us,’ sometimes. It makes it feel like someone's trying to speak for me. I hate that. Patronising and controlling."

"I remember the way his hair fell in his eyes when I told him I’d aborted the thing. Thing, it was going to be a kid. I wanted to be a Mother. I owed it to the kid though. A Mother who was part of a gang wouldn’t have been productive to it’s life. Would’ve been hooked on something before it’s fourth birthday if I kept it around the people I ran with."

"16 weeks was the deadline for deciding whether or not I could do it. I wanted to be a Mother so badly. Even at 15. I still do, not that it’s feasible now. Cynthia’s the closest thing I have to something to care about in that sense now. Big Sister capacity…"

Towards the end of the writings (I'm guessing it's about when Ava posted her tweet about someone else writing with her hand), there is a dialogue between Ava and Ardelia, which seems to end with Ava falling, as there is a line across the wall from the end of the last letter to near where Ava fell. I've done my best to mark in who was talking;

Ava: Oh god what am I doing? He’s sixty. He’s got a daughter. What the hell was I thinking? What if I meet someone else? What then? I love him now, but I’m 18. I’ve never met a monogamous 18-year-old before. It’d kill him. It’d hurt me. What would happen? I’d feel shackled by pity or duty. I’d start to resent him.

Ardelia: I already resent him.

Ava: No I don’t, what the hell.

Ardelia: I want to kill him, rip out his heart and carve my hate into his chest.

Ava: NO.

Ardelia: Why not? If you didn’t love him you’d consider him a serial killing monster. They deserve to die.

Ava: The body is a temple. I can’t kill someone again.

Ardelia: Cathedral of bone, now?

Ava: Shut up you aren’t me, I am me.

Ardelia: No, I am you also but pronouns are messy things and so are your morals.

Well, apart from that, I have nothing in particular to report at the moment. Thage and I will keep you updated as necessary.


  1. Psah.

    She needs to get herself together. I'm...shaky on these things right now. But if she's not already gone she should get as far away as she can and sort herself out.

    Two halves will kill any and all love.

    From Experience

  2. She's been unfuckingconscious for two fucking days, fuckhead. She can't just fucking leave, she can't even fucking wake up.

  3. There is nothing for us to say.

    Do what you can. That's all that can be done. I wish there was a way us out in the peanut gallery could be of help.

  4. Then she will be sorting herself out.

    Don't get mad at me. If I could be more fucking helpful, I would.

    She'll sort herself out. They always will.

    Don't do anything stupid or heroic.

  5. Well it's good to see some conversation between the two, hopefully there will be more information on why this other part of Ava's so hostile.

    All in all, these writings are very worrisome.

    Take care, you guys. :[

  6. Good to see ya, Reach. Sorry that it has to be like this, but I suppose if I'm gonna do it there's no better time. I've already done Ava a favor, now let me do you one. I'm sure I can still scrounge up a few guys if I have to.

    I'm writing this from Pennsylvania, actually. Took a bit of an extended Spring Break, and fat lot of good that did me. I want SOMETHING to show for all this. If you're still in Maryland, let me know. I can be there by tomorrow, and we can give Ava a ride back down to NC. I'll keep an eye on her until she manages to calm down. Hell, I've got tons of paper and pencils, so I don't think she'll have any trouble writing out her thoughts.

    All with your consent, of course. Get back to me when you can. I'm feeling...surprisingly good, despite totally wasting a week. I guess it's because this is my first real time out of state. But don't think I'm not ready to lay my life on the line. You and Thage have enough to worry about, now let me do my part.

  7. God, Ava...I kept gushing into the comments section, but I erased it because it doesn't help anything. God, I miss her, and I didn't even know her that well.

    Reach, are you handling all of this okay? Because, um...there are three words nestled in there that make me think otherwise. I'm not going to prod you about it, but...please, take good care of yourself. I know your circumstances are horrible, but try to stay optimistic.

    If there's anything I can do, anyone can do, to help, let us know.

  8. Don't have much to say and it wouldn't help the situation at all. Keep them both safe, Reach.