This morning, I woke up and I didn't feel like me. I felt like neither Reach nor Ray. I just felt alien to the whole world around me. I think I felt like I was supposed to be in the Fallout universe for some reason. Maybe I'd been dreaming about the games or something. But, somehow, that wasn't the weird part.
See, that feeling of not being myself, I've had it before, so I got a feeling of déjà vu. But the memory of that feeling had been included in both my real and fake memories, so I felt like it had happened to me twice before; déjà vu deux fois, if you will.
Please don't pounce on me and say that this is evidence that I'm wrong or crazy. I'm neither. I'll freely admit that I'm not in the best place mentally at the moment but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong or crazy. So far, anyway. That feeling was unpleasant and what's worse is that it happened a few times. But you can't make any assumptions just from that. I'm not crazy.
Ava's still neither better nor worse than she was yesterday. You'd think there would some change in condition but, then again, we don't know for sure what exactly is wrong with her.We don't know which came first, the unconsciousness or the hitting her head off a table. We're just waiting. It's all we can do, really.
The thing that quite possibly bothers me the most is myself though. I was reading back over old posts and it suddenly dawned on me that I always brush off my problems and treat them like they're nothing. Ava hated when I did it, so, out of respect for her, I'm not going to lie about how I'm feeling to you guys.
I'm tired. Above all things, I'm tired. I know Ava's only been unconscious for just over a week but it honestly feels like I'm caring for Ariana again. In both cases, the work is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
I just want a hug from my Mam. Honestly. I would kill just for that one hug. But I can't get it because my Mam is locked up in the loony bin. My Mam who nearly had to raise me single-handedly, due to the long days my father worked, toiling from 5 am to 9 pm. Somewhat different to a 9-to-5 job.
Ugh, I'm not very good at this. I'll try again tomorrow. Before I go though, let me leave you with this;
While reading through some old posts, I found this comment by zero;
It was spelled out for me! Right at the start, it was there in black and dark browny-red! Ugh, I've been so blind, over and over again. I just can't even fathom the depths of my own stupidity. I truly cannot even imagine how I could be such a moron.
uhm, nevermind, sorry Reach. Paranoia reared its ugly head there for a day or so.
"nessa" said in her last post for the day
thought that was you revealing your colors.
Truth be told I'm not fully convinced you're able to hide from him, this could all still be a puppet show to establish sympathy.
However, I do apologize for the accusation.