This morning, I woke up and I didn't feel like me. I felt like neither Reach nor Ray. I just felt alien to the whole world around me. I think I felt like I was supposed to be in the Fallout universe for some reason. Maybe I'd been dreaming about the games or something. But, somehow, that wasn't the weird part.
See, that feeling of not being myself, I've had it before, so I got a feeling of déjà vu. But the memory of that feeling had been included in both my real and fake memories, so I felt like it had happened to me twice before; déjà vu deux fois, if you will.
Please don't pounce on me and say that this is evidence that I'm wrong or crazy. I'm neither. I'll freely admit that I'm not in the best place mentally at the moment but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong or crazy. So far, anyway. That feeling was unpleasant and what's worse is that it happened a few times. But you can't make any assumptions just from that. I'm not crazy.
Ava's still neither better nor worse than she was yesterday. You'd think there would some change in condition but, then again, we don't know for sure what exactly is wrong with her.We don't know which came first, the unconsciousness or the hitting her head off a table. We're just waiting. It's all we can do, really.
The thing that quite possibly bothers me the most is myself though. I was reading back over old posts and it suddenly dawned on me that I always brush off my problems and treat them like they're nothing. Ava hated when I did it, so, out of respect for her, I'm not going to lie about how I'm feeling to you guys.
I'm tired. Above all things, I'm tired. I know Ava's only been unconscious for just over a week but it honestly feels like I'm caring for Ariana again. In both cases, the work is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
I just want a hug from my Mam. Honestly. I would kill just for that one hug. But I can't get it because my Mam is locked up in the loony bin. My Mam who nearly had to raise me single-handedly, due to the long days my father worked, toiling from 5 am to 9 pm. Somewhat different to a 9-to-5 job.
Ugh, I'm not very good at this. I'll try again tomorrow. Before I go though, let me leave you with this;
While reading through some old posts, I found this comment by zero;
zero said...
It was spelled out for me! Right at the start, it was there in black and dark browny-red! Ugh, I've been so blind, over and over again. I just can't even fathom the depths of my own stupidity. I truly cannot even imagine how I could be such a moron.
"nessa" said in her last post for the day
"Reach Out
AHAHAHAHAHA"
thought that was you revealing your colors.
Truth be told I'm not fully convinced you're able to hide from him, this could all still be a puppet show to establish sympathy.
However, I do apologize for the accusation.
Reach out.
God fucking DAMMIT. I don't know what to tell you. The one Revenant I want to find to confirm all of this is missing, so in keeping with the law of the universe, I'm waiting on you Reach, Raymond, Ray, Riley, Richard, ASSHOLE.
ReplyDeleteBecause that's how the world works. Once on theory from a lunatic is out and about OTHER Lunatics absorb it, assimilate into the shell of insanity that makes up their little world, and what happens when those theories are contradicted, those theories once thought TRUTH!? The entire dome that makes up the lunatic's own little fantasy shatters into a million tiny pieces and glass gets in everyones eye.
So help me GOD if I ever EVER meet you, I'm shoving a plate of ice cubes down your pants, for contributing to this fucking madness.
Then again this entire comment is hypocritical.
If you want a hug, ask. I'm not going to stab you for wanting to be consoled at a hard time in your life.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're crazy, Ray, I just worry. This is a truly difficult position you've been thrust into.
ReplyDeleteIn truth, I'm a bit relieved that you're experiencing some confusion. If you weren't, that WOULD be a sign that your mind was making this up. That said, don't expect to feel like your old self all at once. It may take time, but it'll come back eventually. My advice would be some meditation each night, if possible, to sort through all your different memories with more finality.
Now seriously. Go hug Thage. I'm sure you both need it.
Déjà vu deux fois.
ReplyDeleteJe t'aime, Ray. Platoniquement, je t'aime.
Anyway, we're here for you. Ya know? If you need to talk, you've got a small army of people who would probably be willing to listen.
http://tinypic.cc/v8nd9
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. ~_^ Knowing that something looks crazy? That's proof that you're not crazy. It's a traditional Catch-22. Take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to second both Amalgamation and Echo, including the French. We're here for you, dude, even if all most of us can do is talk to you through a screen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, um...guys. I think we should listen to him. If we don't, the Fallout could be horrible.
Thanks, guys. Having your support means a lot. I got that hug from Thage.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Aimee, what' this "Fallout" you're on about?
AmalgamationSage said...
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. ~_^ Knowing that something looks crazy? That's proof that you're not crazy. It's a traditional Catch-22. Take it one day at a time.
March 23, 2011 2:10 AM
Not ... precisely true. Being aware of your own insanity doesn't relieve you of it, just makes it easier to resist, usually. Speaking from experience with more mundane troubles.
Regardless.
You're a strong man, Reach. You'll pull through, I think. If you haven't already.
*sigh*
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess that means you didn't know. I'm still a bit reluctant, but I guess you ought to know what's going on with your own blog.
See, I have a good eye for color. In two of your posts (this and "Confessions of..."), there are certain words in a slightly brighter red than the norm. I had to check the source code to piece them together.
In "Confessions of a London Librarian/A Dialogue Between Self and Same" it was a simple "I'm falling apart". I tried to hint at it, but I wasn't about to ask you outright.
And in here, it's "listen to Reach or the Fallout will be far worse than You can possibly imagine."
...yeah. All of the conclusions I'm drawing from this lead to mindscrew. Mindscrew and worry.
I'm sorry to heap this on top of the trouble you're having already, but you probably need to know. The color's #990000 if you want to check it yourself.
Oh! I noticed the words too, but didn't really think anything of it. Good job Aimee!
ReplyDeleteSeems to me like we are listening, Aimee. Problem is, there's only so much we can do through a computer screen. Nevertheless, we all do all we can to support those who need it. That's what the community is for.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Ray. Just remember, you've got more to live for now than ever.
I saw the words too. I didn't do that. I didn't fucking do that. I don't even know why I'm surprised at this stage. I mean, if I can imagine 40 years of my life, someone tampering with my blog post as I write it shouldn't come as a shock. But it does. It does come as a shock because that wasn't done by Slender Man, which means someone else did it and I don't like that. I don't like that at all.
ReplyDeleteIt is strange, but... somehow I don't think it's malevolent. Whatever did it, all it's done so far is give a completely benign statement and a warning to... continue exactly what we've been doing.
ReplyDeleteI mean, what is it that you could say that we'd have to listen to? Moreso than usual, I mean.
Reach, you may be in more danger. Zero has returned, and he is out to kill runners this time.
ReplyDelete