Friday, April 29, 2011

No Reply

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t fucking post here again. On this stupid blog. But I can’t just leave it and there’s no-one left to help me record things.

Ray is dead. I can’t process it. I can’t believe it. It’s so open ended... We were in the Magna, one of us keeping an eye on the entrance at all times, when we heard voices. Ray knew who they were straight off the bat, shoved me out of the way and stood infront of me. I scrabbled around a little before getting to my feet and seeing the two. Eulogy and Hammer. I knew their names from Ray's introduction I guess you could say it was. It was more of a mock casual greeting, I guess.

Of course then we turned tail and ran like hell, because I'm pregnant and Ray's human. It didn't work. Like, at all. When Ray'd shoved me out of the way, the two of us lost sight of the entrance. So it wasn't there. Like a fucking Weeping Angel. It buggered off the second it could. And of course the other two were like fucking Olympic sprinters and that bloody moron had to go and be chivalrous and tell me to "Run as he held them off." I really wanted to hit him then. But I realised something. I'm thinking for two. I can't be so reckless anymore. I can't...stand up for myself.

So I let him. I let him "Fend them off" while I fled like fucking Brave Sir Robin.

I had an enjoyable half hour/hour/month/decade trying to find the entrance again, because my senses were skewing themselves left right and center. I could smell and taste things that weren't there, feel things, see things. But I found it. I think it's more a case of wanting it and knowing that this is how the place works. I didn't exit though. I just sort of...hung about in the gap. I think I heard gunshots at a point, but it was so echoey and merely dropping a pencil could get that loud after a while...

Ray came stumbling out from a corner a way away about an hour later, something like that. His arm was bleeding heavily and he was clutching it, when he saw me he smiled a little and

And then there was this thick fog behind him and it made the air smell so strongly you could taste it. It tasted like novocaine.

The fog solidified into tentacles and thrashed around the narrow corridor we were in, I only realised that they'd pulled Ray back into the fog, where I couldn't see him after a minute. I think the fog did more than just TASTE like novocaine. I think they really did numb your own brain screaming at you to flee.

He was screaming, Tony. He was fucking screaming his lungs out. And I felt rain on my face. I ran. I turned and fucking ran for my life, for my baby's life, for my sanity...

He can't be dead. It's too open-ended.

Even though I know he is, because I have Ray’s blood on my face.

I can’t wash it off. In some strange way it’s all I have left of him, so instead I’m left staring at myself in the mirror over the sink, hands bracing themselves for when I throw up. I never do. I’m too numb still. I don’t know if this has something to do with my coma, Redlight's fucking about in my head and it’s repercussions on my emotions, or if believing Ray dead once before was all my mind and body could take. Now it’s happened a second time and I can’t even think anything other than white noise. There’s nothing in my head. Usually there’s something in my mind, something going about, something that needs testing or doing or going to. I just can’t think like that right now, but there’s no grief either. I honestly don’t think I can mourn Ray again.

It fucked me up too much the first time round.

So I’ll stand at my mirror and stare at the blood on my face, and sometime soon , I’ll wash it off. I’ll say a final goodbye.

And then I'll be damned if I don't reassess my priorities. Because I’m staying in Egypt now.

My Anorexic Associate didn't just rip out Ray's heart.

...I found this when I went to post this on Ray's blog. He seems to have written it a few weeks ago. Stupid soppy cunt. (His fucking password was "spesproreliquo", for fuck's sake.)


Ava, I know things have been difficult between us in the past few weeks and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to help you as much as I wish I could. I wrote this for you in case I died before I could help you get through all this. I know it's not much, but it's from my heart, and, in the end, that's all I can leave you. I love you, Ava. I always will.

No Reply

by Raymond Shaughnessy

If you can read this, you lost me somewhere,
But I'll always be with you, so do not despair,
I left you this poem, I knew you would find it,
I hoped you would read it and would be reminded

Of all that we shared, the laughter and tears,
Of all we confronted, the pain and the fears,
Of all we defeated, the chances and odds,
As we danced on the thunder and taunted the gods.

I'm guessing you're crying; it's good for your health
But don't turn the dark feelings in on your self.
I am at peace and you should be too,
And maybe, who knows, I can watch over you.

I cannot promise that I felt no pain,
That my death was as easy as watching the rain.
It may have been gruesome, it probably hurt,
But as long as you're living, my death has some worth.

I know that you miss me and I miss you too
But the life that I gave gave some more life to you.
So, please, do not weep for my final goodbye,
The silence that came when there was no reply.

Reach out.


  1. Reach


    so thats how it ends, reach

    the only soul that may have ever managed redemption.

    Dead and his secrets buried



  2. ...I...I don't...I don't even...

    Ava...oh shit, I'm so sorry. I...

    I'm so sorry.


  3. Shit shit just fuck

    I don't know how to handle these things, I mean he can't be dead, right? Cause' he's a stubborn ass kid who whines all the time but always comes back in the end. Then again, it's not like me to get my hopes up.

    Ava, you're not safe alone. If that much was planned beforehand and the three of them got you two alone before attacking, you're next. You and the baby. You have to get out of there, kid. Come back to Cathy and I.

    If you die too, I don't know what I'll do but it won't be pretty. Don't be stupid, you're thinking for two and you can't fight this thing now. Goddamn, /please/, kid.

    To Reach, no, to Ray, you were a hell of a man. I wish I had known you longer, Ray. You reminded me of the runners back in the day, the ones who were genuinely tough and fought back tooth and nail to survive. You're in a better place now, helluva lot better than where we are. Keep watch over your princess from up there, okay? She's stubborn and probably will refuse to come and stay with Cathy and me.

    ...I'm actually gonna miss you, Ray.

  4. Rest in Peace Raymond Shaughnessy.

  5. Dies iræ! Dies illa! Lacrimosa dies illa!

    In memoria æterna erit iustus, ab auditione mala non timebit. Repræsentet ea in lucem sanctam.

    In paradisum deducant te Angeli: in tuo adventu suscipiant te Martyres,

    You were a good man, Reach. A good friend. I can't process this properly; I can't think properly. This is all I can do for you. Raymond Shaughnessy. A good man, who made some mistakes; whose life was destroyed and built back up again; who went to save the world, or at least his part of it.

    Huic ergo parce.

  6. ... I actually cried a bit. That always happens when confronted with Death, for me, though. You lot don't know me, I don't really know you, but, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

    Don't cry for him if he is dead, I think - cry for him if he isn't. At least if he's dead, really dead, he died as himself. And nothing else can happen to him.

    Mourning is something we do for ourselves, in the end. Be safe - he'd have wanted that, I think.

    Hopefully, Raymond Shaughnessy rests in peace. He deserves that much.

  7. ... And his final poem moved the robot to audible silence. Viewable?

    Something. It was good though.

  8. His signoff... "Reach out", I have always seen it as more of a statement, perhaps command, of action.

    Ray reached out to grasp something.

    Ava's life is testament to his, at least partial, success.

  9. I feel...robbed, but I'm sad not angry. I don't know what to say so I'll go with what's normal.

    Goodbye Raymond. Rest in peace.

  10. Catch you on the flip-side. They'll treat you well. You deserve better, but then, we all do.

  11. Wish I could have known you, Reach. I only hope the stories aren't true for those killed by Him and that you truly do Rest in Peace.

  12. Rest in peace Ray, I'll raise a Bulmers to you next time I have one.

  13. He was one of the first runners I discovered.
    His freedom showed me there is hope.
    I will fight in his name.

  14. Reach. Raymond. God, I...I'm almost speechless right now. I mean, I doubted things were going to end well, but...God, he didn't deserve this. No one does.

    I'll remember him, and I'm sure everyone else here will too. He'll live on in both his writings and our hearts.

  15. Ah, crap, I hate it when people take my job.

    Of course, I guess he'd want it to be this way.

    Well, Reach, if you're somehow reading this in wherever-you-are, I just thought I'd let you know that there's been some celebration here lately. And that's never a good thing.

    I know you don't want to hear that a bunch of my coworkers are throwing a party, but look at it this way: you were worth a party. Not many are.

    -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

  16. Oh Reach. I said once before and I'll say again. If you're gone I hope that you will find the peace that you deserve. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.

  17. Rest in pieces brah.

    ...OKay I couldn't bring myself to press Post Comment, that's too dick-ish even for me.

    Wherever you are I hope you're happy and comfortable.

  18. I hope your next life is better and longer than this one that was manipulated and taken from you, Ray. May your soul find peace.

  19. Das Leben geht bestehen sie durch Es gehen könnte schnell, wenn sie liegen sie gehen und sie leben dann Sie die ...

  20. I'm so sorry. rest in peace.

  21. Five years. For five long years, I've never been able to click on this link, read what happened. I found out Rea... Ray died through other channels. Yet, here I am. A Lovecraftian compulsion presses the left button on my mouse, the same moves my eyes down paragraph after paragraph.

    I miss our talks in the study.

  22. A euology for a defector from evil

    once was a pawn
    became free
    died a man

    Rest in peace, Ray/Reach.